Almost 29 hours ago, California has greeted the new year with excitement and joy, and for others with sadness and loss. And although I have greeted it in both ways, ultimately I have come to find myself lost and utterly confused.
For those who know me, you know that my birthday lands on the first day of each year - January 1st. And I have heard it countless times of how lucky I am to have a birthday on such a wonderful day, but truth be told, it is the day when I feel sad and alone the most. I feel the necessity of having to tell people to make time for me because it's my day. And although it sounds like a purely natural act - I mean every person wants to spend their birthday with their loved ones - I feel it to be the completely contrary. I feel that I am forcing myself unto others to be there for me. And even though my friends or family feel ok with being there, I don't. As much as I fear being alone, I also fear being around, because this day is a reminder. A year has passed. A year where I have not accomplished my goals. A year when I could have been a lot more than what I am now. A year of failure.
I wish I can say I am one of those people who can say that last year's door has closed and this year's has opened with a fresh start. But after years of seeing myself not being where I want to be, I have grown into a state of fear. But I will admit that this year has been an interesting one. Changes have been made. I have made some great decisions. I'm getting my life back on the track it should have been years ago. Yet sadly, I still have my weak moments, when I think about what it could have been now if the right decisions were made. But they weren't. And the good thing is that it's happening now and not later. I'm trying to become now who I always wanted to be. My biggest fear? Loss and failure. Why loss? Because in order to gain, one must lose in return. I believe in life being a balance in everything. Right or wrong, good or bad, love and hate, gain and loss. It's all there, and it's all balanced out in some weird misunderstanding way.
In the past few months, I have witnessed a great deal of both loss and gain, happiness and sadness, laughter and tears. I've made new friends and lost some. I've met new family that I now love but am losing ones that are already in my life. I've made some responsible decisions but lost the luxury of not needing to make them. I've decided to get my life back on track, but have not had much emotional or spiritual support needed. And other things as well.
And with all of this, I don't know what life has in store for me. But as much as I know that I will overcome it, I fear of going through it alone. I know the amount of support and love I give to others, but feel the lack of support and love I want when need be. I'm a shoulder to cry on for many, but have no shoulder for myself. I open my arms for the hugs needed in the toughest times, but I find myself alone at night when everyone's asleep trying to hold myself together, trying so hard not to break like everyone expects to happen (because I've heard it countless times). I cry alone, but only enough for me to not sink. Only a few tears to then tell myself not to cry and convince myself that I am fine. Am I fine? I don't know. In the eyes of others I am. In mine, I feel like I am both. I am in a really good place in life right now. Sometimes feeling completely content with everything I have. And then there's the moments like today, when I feel the emptiness, loneliness, sadness and loss. I met with my father today whom I haven't seen in weeks, and felt both the love and heartbreak he has given and caused me. I felt the pain that has been carried with me for the past few years that continues to grow, only because he is still causing it. But I also caught a glimpse of the father I had 3 years ago, who was the only person in my life I can go to for any pain. And it just hurt. Because it was like giving a recovered addict another shot of heroine that took them to cloud 9, then after the side effects are over, feels like he gets hit by a truck and has to go through rehab all over again.
I then asked my cousins if I can come over because I didn't want to spend my birthday alone, when I only came because today was an especially painful day for one of them. I wanted to make it easier by going out when I didn't want to, but I felt myself sinking with them. And I have failed to try to help my little cousin feel any better. And this act is not selfless in any shape or form. It's a mere nothing.
I came home feeling empty, feeling even lonelier than what I felt like before I went. I feel lost and confused. I know that I should find a way to deal with my own problems and not run away. But I'm afraid, and I'm alone, and there are things I can't face by myself. At least not now. Because I feel my weakness, my fear, my pain growing. I feel myself slowly breaking. It's a sign of weakness and disgust for myself, I know. But it's there. And I may wake up tomorrow feeling the confidence and content I feel on other days, but now I question the sincerity of these feelings. I don't know what feelings are the truth or the lie anymore. I don't know if my content in life is the truth, or my escape from my problems and denial of them are. So I am afraid. I live now at this moment, in a state of fear, and I am now in a new year filled with new surprises, opportunities and obstacles. Will I overcome them?? I don't know. I may. I've always had the strength, but I don't know how long I can endure. I might actually break like the rest expect me to. Or I could kick their asses and show them that they're wrong. Who knows. But I know it's certainly not me.
