Going through hard times in my life for the past 12 years, I have not felt content about my life except during the first 6 months of my senior year of high school. And you can say that what I'm saying is pretty awkward because high school is usually one of the most dramatic times in a teenager's life. And even though I've been through the break-ups and make-ups and drama and fights with friends, I secretly knew that all this was irrelevant to me, and that life for me was okay. I went to a good school. I lived with my dad and have made peace with his family, as well as myself. All I had to worry about was getting good grades (which was a piece of cake), making sure things went well during football games, and that I kick ass in choir performances. Not to mention doing good deeds and being a good person overall. And from what I've been through, the outcome of my personal feelings and psychology have turned out pretty darn well. Life was simple then, and I prayed in my heart to God everyday that he does not take this life away from me, that he does not allow any change in my life that could lead to something worse. But unfortunately, we are living on this earth for a reason: to be tested on our strength and faith and patience and goodness through the hardest times. So having a bad change was bound to happen. And the wicked stepmother Cruella DeVille came along and it all went downhill from there for almost 3 years. And I won't lie, those 3 years changed me completely. My look on life is completely different. Correction: my look on people is completely different. I've always been a person who forgave easily, loved easily, and asked only to be loved and treated well in return. If there was anyone out there like that for me, I would give them my heart. Hell I would even take a bullet for them. But after having my heart broken by a guy who I gave everything to and trusting a woman I wanted so bad to be family with, I woke up and realized that I shouldn't trust people so much, and I shouldn't forgive as much and give so many chances to people like I did.
Anyways, bottom line it's been a pretty hard few years since all this. And it's led me to instability, insomnia, stress, anxiety, fear, depression, you name it. And then I moved out and brought my mom here to live with me. But even though I'm working 2 jobs and going to school, I feel better than I have been in years. And it didn't hit me till today, after leaving work early to study, going to school to kick ass on my test, and being a smartass in my class, that this life that I have right now is really great. And I felt content and satisfaction for the first time since I can remember. And boy was it great!!!
I haven't felt so alive in such a long time. I've revisited some great passions with the help of a friend last week, which brought back the spark in me for music and theatre that I haven't felt in a while. It feels so great to sing in the car again (Now if only I can find good music... lol). I work 2 jobs and feel mighty exhausted but I feel self accomplished, because I'm doing better than a lot of other people my age or older. And I'm back in school and have no intention of dropping again whatsoever. Having a bit of caffeine in my system gave me the energy and boost I need to accomplish my will of studying. And I miss wanting to study and loving to study. But it's all back. And I feel so alive and happy. And when I say happy I mean content, cuz maybe life could be better, but it's real good right now, and it could be worse.
Being born on New Year's kinda helps with getting my resolution list and starting a new year of my life on a good track. Confession: I never really stick to my resolution -_- . But I'm hoping this year will be different. I'm planning on having a little more fun than I've had in the last 4 years, as well as reaching some major goals in my life. It's gonna be hard, but I'm pretty optimistic that things will all work out for the best :)
No comments:
Post a Comment