Happy New Year??

Almost 29 hours ago, California has greeted the new year with excitement and joy, and for others with sadness and loss. And although I have greeted it in both ways, ultimately I have come to find myself lost and utterly confused.


For those who know me, you know that my birthday lands on the first day of each year - January 1st. And I have heard it countless times of how lucky I am to have a birthday on such a wonderful day, but truth be told, it is the day when I feel sad and alone the most. I feel the necessity of having to tell people to make time for me because it's my day. And although it sounds like a purely natural act  -  I mean every person wants to spend their birthday with their loved ones - I feel it to be the completely contrary. I feel that I am forcing myself unto others to be there for me. And even though my friends or family feel ok with being there, I don't. As much as I fear being alone, I also fear being around, because this day is a reminder. A year has passed. A year where I have not accomplished my goals. A year when I could have been a lot more than what I am now. A year of failure.


I wish I can say I am one of those people who can say that last year's door has closed and this year's has opened with a fresh start. But after years of seeing myself not being where I want to be, I have grown into a state of fear. But I will admit that this year has been an interesting one. Changes have been made. I have made some great decisions. I'm getting my life back on the track it should have been years ago. Yet sadly, I still have my weak moments, when I think about what it could have been now if the right decisions were made. But they weren't. And the good thing is that it's happening now and not later. I'm trying to become now who I always wanted to be. My biggest fear? Loss and failure. Why loss? Because in order to gain, one must lose in return. I believe in life being a balance in everything. Right or wrong, good or bad, love and hate, gain and loss. It's all there, and it's all balanced out in some weird misunderstanding way.


In the past few months, I have witnessed a great deal of both loss and gain, happiness and sadness, laughter and tears. I've made new friends and lost some. I've met new family that I now love but am losing ones that are already in my life. I've made some responsible decisions but lost the luxury of not needing to make them. I've decided to get my life back on track, but have not had much emotional or spiritual support needed. And other things as well.


And with all of this, I don't know what life has in store for me. But as much as I know that I will overcome it, I fear of going through it alone. I know the amount of support and love I give to others, but feel the lack of support and love I want when need be. I'm a shoulder to cry on for many, but have no shoulder for myself. I open my arms for the hugs needed in the toughest times, but I find myself alone at night when everyone's asleep trying to hold myself together, trying so hard not to break like everyone expects to happen (because I've heard it countless times).  I cry alone, but only enough for me to not sink. Only a few tears to then tell myself not to cry and convince myself that I am fine. Am I fine? I don't know. In the eyes of others I am. In mine, I feel like I am both. I am in a really good place in life right now. Sometimes feeling completely content with everything I have. And then there's the moments like today, when I feel the emptiness, loneliness, sadness and loss. I met with my father today whom I haven't seen in weeks, and felt both the love and heartbreak he has given and caused me. I felt the pain that has been carried with me for the past few years that continues to grow, only because he is still causing it. But I also caught a glimpse of the father I had 3 years ago, who was the only person in my life I can go to for any pain. And it just hurt. Because it was like giving a recovered addict another shot of heroine that took them to cloud 9, then after the side effects are over, feels like he gets hit by a truck and has to go through rehab all over again.


I then asked my cousins if I can come over because I didn't want to spend my birthday alone, when I only came because today was an especially painful day for one of them. I wanted to make it easier by going out when I didn't want to, but I felt myself sinking with them.  And I have failed to try to help my little cousin feel any better. And this act is not selfless in any shape or form. It's a mere nothing.


I came home feeling empty, feeling even lonelier than what I felt like before I went. I feel lost and confused. I know that I should find a way to deal with my own problems and not run away. But I'm afraid, and I'm alone, and there are things I can't face by myself. At least not now. Because I feel my weakness, my fear, my pain growing. I feel myself slowly breaking. It's a sign of weakness and disgust for myself, I know. But it's there. And I may wake up tomorrow feeling the confidence and content I feel on other days, but now I question the sincerity of these feelings. I don't know what feelings are the truth or the lie anymore. I don't know if my content in life is the truth, or my escape from my problems and denial of them are. So I am afraid. I live now at this moment, in a state of fear, and I am now in a new year filled with new surprises, opportunities and obstacles. Will I overcome them?? I don't know. I may. I've always had the strength, but I don't know how long I can endure. I might actually break like the rest expect me to. Or I could kick their asses and show them that they're wrong. Who knows. But I know it's certainly not me.

Thanksgiving

Just thought I would mention the things I am thankful for in my life.

I'm thankful for my parents, who both love me and take care of me in their own special way lol.

I'm thankful for my brother cuz without him I wouldn't have anyone else to scream at after coming from work :P JK.

I'm thankful for my family in Lebanon who give me more love and support than I can ever ask for.

I'm thankful for my best friend Ali,  for being there for me in thick and thin. I am nothing without you guys. And I miss Ali mostly because he brings a smile to my face and never fails me :)

I'm thankful to God of course, for blessing me with such a life, and knowing that it could be harder, and even though I go through tough times, He teaches me that what can't kill you makes you stronger :). I'm thankful for my Auntie Amina and Uncle Housni for being my parents when I didn't have mine for a while, and who still take care of me and watch over me as if I were their own.

 I'm thankful for my cousins Mirvat and Liana, who bring a smile to my face all the time, and make me feel like there's a reason for my existence and presence. You are more precious to me than siblings, and possibly my children. I love you girls <3. You both make me proud everyday.

I'm thankful for my boss at Borders, who even though gives me the hardest time, I know it's because he knows I can handle it. Thank you for pushing me everyday to become better, and for believing in my ability and responsibility.

I'm thankful for the Shirmohammadi's, who have took me in and made me grow as a person and as a businessgirl. And even at times of need they still welcomed me in open arms. I wouldn't be who I am today if it wasn't for you. Especially Sara.

I'm thankful for the rest of my friends whom I've known for years and whom I have met recently. Every one of you has impacted my life and made me feel loved.

I'm thankful for all my professors and teachers in my life who have made me become more enlightened everyday, and have brought light to the path I will choose for a career. Without all of you, I would be a failure.

This is probably the jist of it. There's more, but I'd rather keep that between me and God :)

Single...and unavailable

I won't make this one long, I promise. I just felt like jotting things down tonight. Emotionally I haven't been in a good place for two days. Aside of having midterms and getting sick, I've been running on a bad luck streak this week. But mostly my heart has been hurting from memories that have been emerging. And it's been building up a lot of anger and fear. Fear of never finding anyone else to love? No. That's the least of my worries at the moment. If I am meant to be with someone then it will happen. The fear is for not being alone anymore. And I know it's stupid. Everyone wants someone. And sometimes I do too. But I realize my life is way too hectic and busy for me to even give the time of day for a significant other. I'm exhausted and overworked, and on my day off all I want to do is sleep, or be with a friend or family member that I care for and cares back. But going on a date??? Dressing up??? Impressing someone. Pulling off a smile for more than 5 minutes??? I'm not ready for that yet. All that energy got drained from  my last serious one which lasted for 4 years. And it's been almost 2 years and I still haven't revived an ounce. Don't get me wrong, I'm over the guy. I just need to give myself some attention before I can give it to someone else. So to all the friends and cousins and family and parents and uncles and aunts: please let me breathe. Don't push marriage onto me. Stop telling me that I'm reaching my prime when I'm only 21. Stop telling me that marriage is my main goal in life. Stop telling me that I need to do all that I can to satisfy a man. Before you ever say that to me again, ask me if I'm satisfied. If I'm happy. If I'm reaching my own goals as a single young woman. Let me be happy with me so that I can later be happy with someone else. :)


Thanks

Women and Equality

Before I write about my thoughts, I want to warn all readers that this is a bit of a sensitive topic. IIt could be a little offensive, and I could be wrong about what I will say. I am speaking only from experience and thoughts. Thanks

Equality is the state of being equal. But what does it mean to be "equal"? Merriam-Webster defines equal as: like in quality, nature and status. Everyone could agree to this definition. Equality, in my eyes, is also balance, or reaching an equilibrium. If you've ever read the Tao Te Ching by Lao Tzu, you know that some verses speak about existence and balance. He says something along the lines that everything has its opposite. Creation has destruction. Matter has antimatter. God has the devil. Light has darkness. Life has death. And so on and so forth. So the existence of one thing relies on the existence of the other. If one of them were to be destroyed, there would be an imbalance. I see this as how God has decided to create Man and Woman. We both are opposite in biology, but Men and Women rely on each other's existence to keep existing themselves. In other words, men need women and women need men. Fortunately, both sides can also agree on this logic. But when it comes to defining the reason of existence for each gender, I find fault in the definition. Man is the leader. He is to provide and work and fight and protect. Woman is the follower. She is to serve Man, breed and raise. Yes, most of us grew up thinking of this as true and right. We also thought that this might be our life as we grow up. But when it comes to valuing each gender and appreciating the work that they did or can do, there is a huge difference.

I'm not saying this is wrong. It's not wrong for a woman to want to a be a stay at home mom and housewife. If anything I appreciate a woman's decision for giving up her life for her family, because it is out of love. But if a woman wants to work after marriage and having kids, I also believe that women have the right to make that decision. In my parents' country (Lebanon in the Middle East), women have to obey their husband all the time, even if it is something that takes away their voice or freedom of choice. Women must obey anyways. I got into an argument with my family a few weeks ago. It involved talking about what would happen to me when I get married. My parents complain that I'm not gonna be a good housewife because I don't cook or clean. (Well duhhh especially when you work a 60 hr work week and go to school). And that will lead to the end of my marriage. And I answered back that my life won't revolve around me being the perfect Stepford wife(which is a good movie to see because it explains a bit of what I'm talking about). Yes, I will cook and clean and want to have kids, but I will also be working and pursuing my career. The shock on their faces was horrific. It's like I spitted out about committing a great sin. "You're going to work while you're married?? Why would you do that if your husband is giving you what you want? No no no. That is his decision whether he is ok with it or not. And if he says stay home you stay home." Knowing it was a battle I won't win with them, I let it go. 

But other problems started to emerge about my mentality being very contradicting and straying away from faith. My opinion about this is that God didn't create women to be inferior. God's message to men is that women are valuable creatures as well, that need to be cared for and appreciated. Unfortunately what men don't see is that He meant women to be appreciated in all their work, even the work they were meant to do. All my life I have been an A average student. I've overachieved and outdone myself in so many ways. I've even skipped grades. So growing up I had a dream for myself. And knowing that in the 21st century it's not as easy for a woman to find a man whom she might marry, I've grown up having goals for myself that don't involve a man in my life, because he might not be there, and I won't be waiting around for him to show up. Even if he did and I lost him, I won't sit down and cry because I can't take care of my kids and  might have to fight for child support which I might not get. I wanna be able to stand on my feet and not have to rely on others. No I will not go and live with my husband's family if he dies. No I will not live with my parents if I divorce. I have a brain that thinks and obtains knowledge and reason, which allows me to be able to survive in the world just like a man can. Middle Eastern society puts a lot of strain on women. They are not allowed to run for office on any level. They are not accepted as the highest in authority in a workplace. They cannot file for divorce and win without men taking away all that they legally own, or depriving them from their own children. And even after all has been taken away, women might not even get a court order for a divorce to be final. But men can divorce without the wife even knowing. He can marry more than one woman in some religions (which is an argument I will talk about in another blog because of how misunderstood and abused this rule is). And in some societies, can even make his wife sleep with him even if she doesn't want to, which I consider a form of rape because it is not consensual.

Women are allowed to have the same rights as man in society. They shouldn't be treated less inferior, or dumber. THey should be treated with respect. They should be seen and heard just like men are. They should have the right to make their own decisions about life, married or single. And women should not be forced into anything just because she is married and it's her "job" to satisfy a man when he wants.

And also to clarify to other people who think feminists are a little extreme. There are men out there too that respect what women go through, because it is not any easier than what men go through. And feminists do not hate men. We are not against men and think we should be rulers. We just want to be equal. We want to be treated with the same amount of respect men are treated. We want to be able to go to workplaces and not hear that someone turned down a job because a woman was the big boss. I myself, would love to not have customers be surprised seeing me as a manager when they ask for one, not only because I wear a scarf on my head (also another topic to talk about), but because I'm a woman and I'm not a "Real" manager. 

Change is in order. Women and men should both be appreciated for their efforts and abilities. And even though we have come a long way thanks to Mary Wollstonecraft and Mary Shelley who have proven women are capable of learning and thinking and being as intelligent as men (Thanks Hugo for teaching me this!!), we still need to work on being equal. In quality, in nature and in status :)

Satisfaction

There isn't one person that has lived on the face of this earth who hasn't searched for happiness, and if not happiness, in the least content. Because obviously perfect happiness cannot ever be reached. But one learns that by accepting the life one has right now, and knowing that it is much better than what a lot of people can ever ask for, and feeling content about it, this is really true happiness. It does not become perfect unless we are okay with its imperfection. 

Going through hard times in my life for the past 12 years, I have not felt content about my life except during the first 6 months of my senior year of high school. And you can say that what I'm saying is pretty awkward because high school is usually one of the most dramatic times in a teenager's life. And even though I've been through the break-ups and make-ups and drama and fights with friends, I secretly knew that all this was irrelevant to me, and that life for me was okay. I went to a good school. I lived with my dad and have made peace with his family, as well as myself. All I had to worry about was getting good grades (which was a piece of cake), making sure things went well during football games, and that I kick ass in choir performances. Not to mention doing good deeds and being a good person overall. And from what I've been through, the outcome of my personal feelings and psychology have turned out pretty darn well. Life was simple then, and I prayed in my heart to God everyday that he does not take this life away from me, that he does not allow any change in my life that could lead to something worse. But unfortunately, we are living on this earth for a reason: to be tested on our strength and faith and patience and goodness through the hardest times. So having a bad change was bound to happen. And the wicked stepmother Cruella DeVille came along and it all went downhill from there for almost 3 years. And I won't lie, those 3 years changed me completely. My look on life is completely different. Correction: my look on people is completely different. I've always been a person who forgave easily, loved easily, and asked only to be loved and treated well in return. If there was anyone out there like that for me, I would give them my heart. Hell I would even take a bullet for them. But after having my heart broken by a guy who I gave everything to and trusting a woman I wanted so bad to be family with, I woke up and realized that I shouldn't trust people so much, and I shouldn't forgive as much and give so many chances to people like I did.

Anyways, bottom line it's been a pretty hard few years since all this. And it's led me to instability, insomnia, stress, anxiety, fear, depression, you name it. And then I moved out and brought my mom here to live with me. But even though I'm working 2 jobs and going to school, I feel better than I have been in years. And it didn't hit me till today, after leaving work early to study, going to school to kick ass on my test, and being a smartass in my class, that this life that I have right now is really great. And I felt content and satisfaction for the first time since I can remember. And boy was it great!!!

I haven't felt so alive in such a long time. I've revisited some great passions with the help of a friend last week, which brought back the spark in me for music and theatre that I haven't felt in a while. It feels so great to sing in the car again (Now if only I can find good music... lol). I work 2 jobs and feel mighty exhausted but I feel self accomplished, because I'm doing better than a lot of other people my age or older. And I'm back in school and have no intention of dropping again whatsoever. Having a bit of caffeine in  my system gave me the energy and boost I need to accomplish my will of studying. And I miss wanting to study and loving to study. But it's all back. And I feel so alive and happy. And when I say happy I mean content, cuz maybe life could be better, but it's real good right now, and it could be worse.

Being born on New Year's kinda helps with getting my resolution list and starting a new year of my life on a good track. Confession: I never really stick to my resolution -_- . But I'm hoping this year will be different. I'm planning on having a little more fun than I've had in the last 4 years, as well as reaching some major goals in my life. It's gonna be hard, but I'm pretty optimistic that things will all work out for the best :)

Change

So I have a lot of promises to keep to myself, as well as to others. And although I've been through a lot in my life, I think it's about time that I have made a drastic change. So I guess starting this page and writing this blog will help me in starting this change. I have a lot to fix though, and it requires time and patience that I hope I have. I guess I should start with praying. Praying to God because He actually made my life better now than what it was a year ago. And I owe Him a lot of prayers. And I hope one day I could be forgiven for my sins and start over.
I have to change my life as well. What I mean is that I should change the daily routine I've been living in for years. Rolling out of bed and putting on what's in front of me, looking like a girl more unnoticeable than plain Jane, the lack of energy to do anything other than burying myself in work, not trying hard enough to go anywhere or be anyone. It's all something I grew into, and will be hard to grow out of. And I can't promise that it will happen now, but I will promise to try and keep the idea and will to get better.
If you're wondering why I decided to write this now and today, it's because I revisited some memories today, both good and bad. Those memories made me feel a mix of emotions and made me open up to a friend I've known for a bit but felt very comfortable with. I think it's one of those feelings you get when you know you can confide in someone and they won't judge or think something bad about you, and understand what you've been through because they've been through something too. But like me, they did not give up, which makes us all the more stronger. And seeing this friend's will to change and grow and become better triggered something in me, that I should have that will too. I need to grow and change and have this will, because even though life is more stable than it was last year, I shouldn't settle. I should take advantage of this comfort and improve. I need to keep my promises.
I'm hoping that I also obtain peace of mind in return. I want to get rid of the headaches and whining and annoyance of all things around me that I finally grew to not care about anymore. I want to stop hearing about problems that are not mine that family try to involve me in, when my father takes out his wife instead of helping me, how my mom thinks that if I get married I would be the reason why the marriage will fail, I just want it to stop. It gets old afterwards. And though the words have no influence on me, it's the volume and tone of the voices that cause a headache more than anything else.
And on another note I do hope to get rid of my writer's block one day. I miss writing the great ideas and plots and stories and fairytales that developed in my pretty little head. They were exciting, and gave me something to anticipate on finishing. So maybe one day that will come back to me. And music will have a bigger role in my life like it did before. It was  a passion I enjoyed, and theatre was like watching a dream, one similar to the one I saw tonight. As weird as this sounds I miss life, even though I'm in it. I miss the rush in my blood when the lights dim for the opening act. I miss the symphonic harmonies, both subtle and strong that captivated my heart and soul and stole my breath away. I miss sitting on the beach by myself just to clear my head and breathe in the freshest air. I miss laying down on the grass watching nature as it moved on around me, the trees soaking up the sun and the air brushing my skin. It's the simple things in life that make you notice how much life should be appreciated, because in the end nothing is more satisfying than living in pure simplicity. But that could just be me.
So I guess this is just a start. I don't think I will change the world, but I would love to help others change it. I don't want to be on the cover of magazines gloating my fame and glory and success. I want to be the editor, the publisher, the director, the man behind the camera. I wanna make a change, but I don't want to be the face or the name. I'll be the sidekick :)
I'll be posting every few days when possible, and let everyone know about my thoughts and ideas and experiences and beliefs, in hope to finally reach an epiphany in my life, which I believe I will reach. :)